Sunday, February 26, 2012

3rd Annual Oscar Diary

Well here it is, year 3 of my annual Oscar diary.  When I started this I was but an optimistic movie goer hoping for the best.  Now, I am a grizzled veteran of the disappointment that goes with reviewing movies, seeing how great some of them can be, and see all the other ones win all the awards.  Regardless, I will spend three hours watching this show, hope four 25 minutes of entertainment, will be surprised if I get 10, and will go to sleep disappointed.  Even so this is always one of my favorite posts so I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do.  Well, here we go...

7:31 - Morgan Freeman is such a badass, although I'm curious why he seems to get more earring with his age.  I would think once you get 70 the earring would be nearly done.

7:33 - Inevitable Billy Crystal in the Best Picture nominees montage is here.  I have a soft spot for these though.

7:34 - Good God, Just Bieber, this is really happening.  Crystal is staring deeply into his eyes without speaking a word.  Is that Billy Crystal in black face?  Please stop this now.

7:35 - Oh my God, Crystal as Tin Tin???  Is 7:37 too early to call it?  The Oscars has jumped the shark and they haven't even handed out an award yet.

7:37 - Just call me 'War Horse?' And now he's singing.  Here we go...

7:38 - "If The Artist wins?" -- Even Billy knows it's a mere formality at this point.

7:39 - I'm curious if they had to coach Marty to laugh it up and pretend like Billy Crystal is funny.  Was Crystal pretending he was singing to Bieber again?

7:39 - I just farted in sequence with Crystal's singing act.  This night is a victory.

7:41 - Tony Bennet has no clue where he is.

7:42 - Carl has been seat filling for 59 years?  How does one get that gig? And can I also get my own powder blue tux? Can I get the tux anyway?

7:43 - Hugo winning cinematography?  Don't disagree with it but I really would have thought that War Horse was going to win.  There were some powerful shots in that movie, none of which involved large piles of horse poop.

7:45 - Another award already?  Lets just bang these out right here.

7:47 - Love the "Look at how hip Billy is hosting from all the way in the upper deck" move.  Oh wait, he's walking toward the camera and lamenting about the change in movies....aaaannddd first montage.

7:49 - When I think of movies and the Oscars, I think 'Twilight.'  Yup, I wonder how many it will win tonight.

7:50 - "Use the Force."  Damn skippy.

7:51 - Whoa!  Good Lord, J.Lo does it again.  She totally makes up for the fact that Cameraon Daiz' face is falling off and is only held together by makeup and cheap lipstick.

7:55 - 'The Artist' onslaught begins with costume design.  It will not be denied again.

7:56 - "As I worked on the artist I'm contractually obligated to think the man who paid for this victory, Harvey Weinstein."

7:57 - Is it just me or does Glenn Close as a man (in the movie 'Albert Nobbs') look like Robin Williams?  Anybody with me on this one?

7:57 - Wow, great job making Meryl Streep look like Meryl Streep.

7:58 - And there's some ass, thank you J.Lo...*whispering* Thank you.

7:59 - Wow.  'The Iron Lady' actually won.  If this saves us from seeing Meryl Streep win best actress, I'll take it.

7:59 - "Without brilliant prosthetics I wouldn't be standing here" -- Does that mean he has a peg leg?  Like a pirate?

8:00 - Stars interviewing about the first movies they saw: Where's Mickey Rourke talking about the first porno he saw in a theater, that I would want to hear about.

8:02 - Sanda Bullock, she has that "my husband was messing around on me, but I'm gonna pretend like it doesn't matter and people won't notice," attitude - which I admire. *Jennifer Anniston nods her head*

8:05 - 'A Separation' won.  I'm excited to see this when it opens here this Friday.

8:07 - I apologize to nobody, I think Christian Bale is a badass.

8:05 - Don't they realize that's not Jessica Chastain it's actually Bryce Dallas Howard?  Err...wait...

8:10 - Octavia Spencer, there was absolutely no suspense to this one.  I saw a great interview with her and Viola Davis on the Tavis Smiley show which you should all tune into, it really delves into the black actor/actress/artist in Hollywood, intelligent conversation and interesting stuff.

8:19 - History lesson from Billy Crystal about focus groups.  I'm really, really, really, really, really, really glad I'm watching this.

8:20 - Saved by Eugene Levy.  Very Underrated.  FRED WILLARD!  FLYING MONKEYS!  Awesome.  That's the chick from Beetjuice.

8:21 - "Everybody from the 'Wizard of Oz' is dead now so we can make fun of the movie and call them ugly"

8:21 - I hope this Oscar telecast has some monkeys in it.

8:22 - Stacy Kiebler is just beyond hot.  Seriously.

8:23 - Bradley Cooper doing the heat check with the moustache (i.e. am-I-hot-enough-to-have-a-dirty-porn-stash-and-still-have-people-think-I'm-sexy maneuver).

8:24 - 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" wins for editing.  I guess the whole 'editing is a predictor of best picture' award will truly be shot after this going down the second year in a row (The Social Network won last year and didn't win BP).

8:25 - The coy, 'been there, done that' approach to the speech...interesting.

8:26 - Hugo wins again.  It's gonna be one of those movies where five years from now you see it in the video store and it says "Winner of 5 (+?) Academy Awards" and then realize they are all technical ones nobody cares about.

8:28 - Hugo wins again.  See previous comment.

8:33 -'s The Muppets...this is the part where I'm supposed to act like this is really cool, isn't it? *clears throat* This is really cool...

8:34 - Cirque Du Soleil with Danny Elfman "interpreting" what it's like to go to the movies???  And they're filming audience reactions?  This is priceless, can the Oscars give an award to itself?  We need to just make interpretive dance pieces an award, "And the Oscar for best way to sum up their movie through interpretive dance goes to..."

8:39 - While you all were watching the interpretive dance I found the following three pictures of Stacy Keibler:

I win.

8:40 - "I've got an idea, let's rip out the geriatric/Alzheimer's jokes!  It's gold Jerry, gold!" -The Academy Writers

8:41 - I guess Robert Downey Jr. forgot about 'The Descendants" in his "plural titles are out this year," comment.

8:42 - PINA!  More interpretive dance! -- Damn, didn't win.  I have heard that 'Undefeated' is really good though.

8:44 - Our first "play 'em off Johnny moment."  I think they actually cut their mic.  "I know you just won an Oscar and all, but Chris Rock has a schedule to keep, so gets to movin."

8:45 - Stacy Keibler sighting.

8:46 - Don't really have a favorite in this category, but I'd say 'Puss in Boots' probably...

8:46 - RANGO!  That's actually a surprise.  Amazing animation on this one, but I didn't think the actual film was that great.  Interesting to note they didn't actually record this like Chris Rock said.  For 'Rango' they recorded it like a play and had all the actors together and saying their lines at the same time.

8:52 - Let it be known that despite her dress, my crush on Emma Stone will continue.

8:53 - First laugh out loud moment, even Jonah knows this joke is dying a long, painful, slow, slow death.

8:54 - Wait, Ben Stiller is not in 'Planet of the Apes' costume?  #HeHasBigEars

8:55 - 'Planet of the Apes' should wrap this up.  Truly great visual effects there.

8:56 - HUGO???  My first true disappointment of the night.  Ridiculous, sometimes when a movie gets on a role, it gets on a role.  This is sad until I forget the Academy Awards is not really about merit.

8:58 - Still amazed they could make Melissa Leo look so bad in 'The Fighter' and so good in real life.

9:00 - Boo-yah!  Christopher Plummer wins!  How he's gone so long and not won is beyond me but completely deserved.  The first standing ovation I truly thought was earned.

9:01 - Just me or is the violin chick kind of attractive?

9:08 - "Ummm...we have some extra time, well let's just let Billy roll.  He's good at that stuff, right?"

9:10 - THIS is the part where I don't care (talking about the Academy).  Good to know.

9:11 - Talking about the music.  Does this mean more interpretive dance?

9:12 - Penolope Cruz doing her Natalie Portman impression.  I still think you're accent is fake, Ms. Cruz.

9:13 - John Williams is my all-time favorite, but he's won too many times.  I bet 'The Artist' continues it's onslaught here.

9:14 - Aaaaannnndddd...what did I say.  'The Artist,' will shred through the rest of the way.

9:15 - I was waiting for the first presenter to be high and I think we found it.

9:16 - Weak category this year for Best Song.  Don't really care either way.

9:18 - HOLY CRAP!!!!  THE FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS HAS WON AN OSCAR!!!!!!!!!!!! *Autotune* "Too many Oscars on the dance floor" *Autotune*

9:24 - Stacy Keibler Sighting!

9:25 - Angelina Jolie - Still sexy, that's a lot of leg.

9:25 - This is one of my favorite categories (adapted screenplay).  Lot's of good one's here, but I think 'Moneyball' should win, hardest to adapt and they made an entertaining movie out of stats.

9:26 - I'm fine with 'The Descendants' winning this.

9:28 - Also another one of my favorite categories (original screenplay), 'The Artist' will win, which is odd considering it's a silent movie and all.  'Margin Call' should win this, it turned accounting into an entertaining movie.

9:30 - Effing Woody Allen.  I should have known, and he's not even there, seriously?  Wow.

9:30 - You want to tell the truth Adam Sandler?  Well from your last few movies the truth appears to be "I such at making movies."  So there's that.

9:36 - Milla Jovovich is hot, not much else you can say about it.

9:38 - So, which one of the 'Bridesmaids' cast do you think Christian Bale banged backstage?  My guess is Kristen Wiig, but Rose Byrne is the dark horse here.

9:39 - "Look how hip we are as the academy, we're allowing vaguely hinted at penis jokes by women from a funny movie!"

9:40 - Live Action Short Film, I know I shouldn't say this as a movie lover, but I could just care less.  I'm sure it was hard work and your film is great, but let's move it along here.

9:41 - I retract my previous 'Bridesmaids' comment, I bet Bale nails Melissa McCarthey backstage.

9:49 - Animated short film, alright, good for you.

9:50 - And here is my all-time favorite Oscar category, 'Best Director.'  I want Alexander Payne to win this one, but Michel Hazinivicius had this locked up in October, so I might as well just go to the bathroom here.

9:51 - The person they pick to speak for 'Midnight in Paris' is Michael Sheen?  He was in like 10 minutes of the movie.  Nobody else would speak for Woody Allen?

9:52 - HAHAHAHAHA Michael Douglas totally butchered Hazanavicius' last name.

9:53 - Oh God, the first Uggie thanking.

9:55 - I'm not a big Meryl Streep fan and never have been, but I will say that she is straight up class.  So she's got that going for her.

10:03 - The 'Who We Lost' montage.  This never feels right, everyone just pays attention to see who gets the biggest applause.  Whatever, doesn't appear it's gonna change.

10:05 - I spoke too soon.  Looks like they had everyone hold applause until the end this time.  It's for the best.

10:10 - These little "Actors on Movies" clips are kind of interesting.  Probably the best part of the show.

10:13 - Natalie Portman just killing it.  She is beautiful in every sense of the word.  Jean Dujardin is going to win this but he should finish third at best.  The award should go to Clooney who narrowly beats out Pitt.  But yet again, the Oscars don't play fair and that's not how it will go.

10:18 - F***!!!  Honestly, I hold out hope against hope that the Oscars will surprise me when I don't think they will but they don't.  Dujardin winning means that there truly is no hope left for the Oscars.  You're witnessing the typing of a broken man.

10:24 - Viola Davis has to take this one right?

10:28 - Wow.  Why is it the only time the Academy surprises me is when it's in a bad way?  Rooney Mara should have won, I truly thought Viola Davis would win (which I would have been ok with) and now this.  I give up.  What's the point?  Seriously, I might not even watch the show next year.

10:30 - I can just turn the tv off at this point, can I not?  'The Artist' will make possibly the least remarkable best picture in years...I'm on the edge of my seat.

10:36 - Most anti-climactic best picture win in years.  Wow, the dog is on the stage.  Uggie is on the stage ladies and gentlemen.  The Oscar Whisperer (Harvey Weinstein) strikes again.  I'm not even pissed anymore about the Oscars.  Daring and superior filmmaking is no longer rewarded by the Academy that is constructed to do just that.  I have written at length about how the Oscars no longer matter and this is why.  When Harvey Weinstein can buy the Oscars it sucks the air out of things.  Ultimately, great movies are great movies and the Oscars will simply no longer define such things.  'Citizen Kane' didn't win Best Picture, 'Raging Bull' didn't win Best Picture, but they are still considered some of the best films of all time.  The Oscar telecast keeps trying new hosts and new gimmicks to get people to watch, how about giving the awards to the movies that actually earn them and people might watch.

To make everyone feel better, here is another picture of Stacy Kiebler:

No comments:

Post a Comment